All those nasty buts are still here

Hey, check out my BUT! I could go BUT…I should do that BUT…I really do want to BUT…

Photo by Sasha Freemind

Of all the scenarios I worried about when getting into a new relationship, this wasn’t one of them. This being the pandemic of course.

Even when it began to spread through the world, I wasn’t concerned it would make its way here. Not to this shy little island at the bottom of the planet. But then it did.

At this point I still wasn’t worried it would impact my family. The numbers are horrible to hear but the chances personally are still probably less than dying of a heart attack.

Then the collective anxiety of society sent my town into madness and also into solidarity. Brought together in a frenzy of slowing down and staying at home.

But what I did not foresee was being isolated indefinitely from the rest of my people including my new love. Everyone BUT my son, my ex-husband and his pregnant new wife.

When I previously lay awake at night fearing heartbreak yet again, I ran over the possibilities that could be repeated from my past and from any relationship disaster story I have ever been told.

When corporations strategically evaluate their risks, they develop a register. Executives brainstorm any and every eventuality. They assess the likelihood of the risk occurring and the severity it might have.

From these explorations they develop mitigation approaches and perhaps update policies to reduce the imagined negative outcomes.

I suppose this isn’t dissimilar to my process when starting a romance. Although to me it seems logical and prudent it’s probably not for everyone. Throughout any relationship I keep updating it and keep my eye on those ever-present dangers.

It’s just what I do. I would say it’s served me well but that would be a bit of a fib.

Sticking with my process, a year into a new relationship, I thought I knew what was what. But alas, I missed this. My new entry for today;

Threat: Indefinite separation through imposed self-isolation as a result of a world-wide deadly virus occurring at the very moment my son’s new step mum is due to give birth.

Likelihood: Extremely bloody unlikely

Severity: Catastrophic and potentially terminal (life and relationship)

Mitigation Strategy: Apologise and beg understanding from hopefully dedicated boyfriend

My son is an only child and spends alternate weeks with his father then me. If I was in contact with the entire world, he would have a far greater chance to pass on the virus to the mum to be. Minuscule yes, but now on the higher end of the minuscule range.

I totally, absolutely get it. When I was pregnant my risk register did not include an entry titled ‘deadly pathogen’. I’m near positive two months ago hers didn’t either.

To say I was totally calm when I was carrying a baby would be my second fib today. And I didn’t have these circumstances to panic about. Hopelessly I know there is little I can do to take that fear away for her. But there is one thing I can do.

It is not only her and the baby of course. My son and his father are bathing themselves regularly in alcohol solution and wont dare go to the park. I get that too. The consequences of complacency could be unfathomable.

But how could this be the only way we can spare ourselves the anxiety?

But when did it become a choice between my son and my boyfriend?

But why do I have to be the one who is separated from my lover, my support person?

Demands the five-year-old me.

Doing the math made it clear. A circle of four or the entire damned world. You see my boyfriend has a son, and then follows his ex-partner, her new partner, his children, their mother, her new partner and their children. Add in everyone they encounter in person and those people left of the checkout screens. Plus, the petrol pump handle and the dude at the takeaway joint. I don’t even know if there any of them are essential workers. Crap, I can’t keep count.

There was a pretty clear winner. And it wasn’t my romantic life.

Here’s when I took the stand. No one forced me or coerced me. It was my choice. My son and his other family versus the comfort of my gorgeous lover.

I planned all the FaceTime calls and emails and text messages it might take to be there for him through whatever and whenever. In my risk assessment however i did not consider those things really aren’t his thing. There goes my primary mitigation strategy out the window.

Dr Russ Harris in his book The Happiness Trap talks of diffusion. He refers to it as the opposite of control. It is an acceptance strategy rather than getting rid of or avoiding unpleasant thoughts and feelings. The aim is to accept them and stop resisting them. He didn’t mean liking them. He proposed to stop struggling with them. He did not suggest a risk register once.

So, this is how it is. This is the right thing for now. This is what’s happening today.

I’ve read Dr Harris’ book several times. I take something extra from each passing. This time I took I don’t have to be okay with the situation and I especially don’t have to be happy with it. What I do want to do is pull my butt in gear and get on with accepting it.

Given this time in the world history it truly not hard to keep perspective and drop all the BUTs.

The one BUT I cling to is “BUT how lucky am I!”.

Lucky to have people to love and protect.

Lucky to have someone to miss, someone who misses me.

Big love, Frances 💗

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